Intentional gaslighting, the overtly abusive kind, can be more intense and severe, but everyday gaslighting is more insidious, permeating our social environment and sneaking inside our heads. “I’d like a late afternoon appointment.” The dentist receptionist responds, “How about 10am on Thursday.” “No, I’d like a late afternoon appointment.” “How about 1pm next Tuesday.” I… Read More
Articles
When I Started
Written for the anthology We Have Come Far: Shared wisdom from survivors of extreme trauma edited by Ani Rose Whaleswan, 2014. When I started healing from abuse, I was a grad student. After many years in school, I knew all about graduation requirements, prerequisites, and homework assignments. I tackled the project with youthful enthusiasm. Surely,… Read More
The Puzzle Box of Shame
We are born needing physical and emotional contact to thrive. In addition to food and shelter, we need soothing touch and attuned mirroring to develop an emotionally stable self. We learn to trust our place in the world when we are welcomed with delight. If the adults around us do not provide soothing touch and… Read More
Heal Around the Edges
As you may remember from getting scraped knees as a child, physical wounds heal from the outside in, at the borders with healthy tissue, where they receive the resources needed to rebuild. Trauma heals that way, too. Somatic Experiencing techniques help us navigate the border between traumatic memory and present time. When we have access… Read More
The Betrayal of Not Being Heard
Society tells us in a lot of subtle and overt ways not to talk about abuse. It is uncomfortable to hear. There is no easy response. It challenges the dominant narrative that abuse only happens far away, to “them”, not “us.” Need to be heard At the same time, there is internal pressure to talk… Read More
Not Alone with Your ACEs
The ACE Study looks at the correlation between ACEs, or Adverse Childhood Experiences, and health. Between 1995 and 1997, 17,000 middle-income, college-educated adults with access to good health care in the US joined the study. They had a standardized physical exam and filled out a confidential survey with questions about childhood maltreatment and family dysfunction,… Read More
Worthy of Protection
When my friends entrust their two-month-old daughter to my arms, I feel instinctively, physically protective. My body wants to curl around her to keep her safe and well. I feel emotionally protective of people I mentor, wanting to metaphorically spread my arms wide and shield them from politics and ill-will. Feeling protective of them does… Read More
Weave Your Body Whole
Trauma fractures us internally and externally, splitting our sense of our bodies and sundering our connections with the rest of the world. Spiritual tools like Jewish Kabbalah and the process of counting the omer can help us weave ourselves back together, looking at qualities of kindness, boundaries, compassion, endurance, Nature, connection, and sovereignty. Any tool… Read More
The Sacred Work of Showing Up
Emotional labor is the detail work of caring, of noticing, of paying attention. It is overwhelmingly gendered female. People perceived as women are expected to “naturally” do the work of keeping track and tending and nurturing, and are judged harshly for refusing. People perceived as men have the choice to remain oblivious that the work… Read More
Patience with Long Endings
Amirah and Galen are arguing again. This time, Amirah announces that she intends to go to prayer meeting at the mosque whether Galen approves or not, and Galen is welcome to come along if she wants. As usual, Galen has a reason to stay behind, and tries to convince Amirah to stay as well. To… Read More