• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer
  • Welcome
  • Bodywork >
    • Signs of Trauma
    • Benefits
    • Sessions and Fees
    • Frequent Questions
    • Types of Bodywork >
      • Reiki
      • Massage
      • CranioSacral Therapy
      • Somatic Experiencing
      • Other Bodywork
  • People Say
  • Articles >
    • Articles by Topic
    • Articles by Date
  • Books >
    • Wellspring of Compassion
    • Presence After Trauma
  • About >
    • Privacy Policy
  • Contact
  • Nav Widget Area

Sundown Healing Arts

Intuitive, compassionate bodywork for trauma

Topic: Trauma Effects, PTSD

Relax For Your Life

Content Note: brief child rape example.

Have you held a small child recently? Supported by trusted arms, small children rest with their whole weight, warmly present and relaxed. Over time, many of us lose the ability to relax into support, some gradually, some violently.

During assault
When a rapist commands, “Relax!” the assaulted child understands the message. For survival, don’t fight. Don’t resist. Go limp. Be silent. The immense energy mobilized for fight or flight is suppressed into surrender. The body’s urgent signals of violation and pain are silenced through dissociation.

Aftermath
After a rape, life goes on. Muscle tension holds secret pain and memories at bay. When told to relax, the child dissociates into limp blankness, or looks around to see how others perform relaxation. The deep belief, “I’m wrong, I’m bad,” interrupts natural responses.

Now grown, the adult survivor struggles to find a new meaning for “relax.” When receiving bodywork, relaxation is supposedly easy and enjoyable, but brings strong emotions and flashbacks instead. Relaxation in social situations is equally puzzling. “Be yourself” is easier without complex secrets to keep or reveal.

Even without assault, a command to “Relax!” is a boundary violation and a red flag. Our internal state is not subject to other people’s demands.

Relaxing is not work
Many bodywork clients work hard to relax, and feel embarrassed or defensive when their arm resists being moved by a practitioner. While bodywork is often relaxing, clients are not required to relax. Forced limpness gets in the way of allowing genuine presence, calmness, and lengthened muscles.

If you find yourself working to relax, bring kind attention to your experience of tension. How does your body interact with the surface supporting you? Are some parts less relaxed than others? How would you describe your sensations? A part might feel braced, withdrawn, defiant, angry, or frightened. Gently inquire, and allow words or images to float into awareness.

Boundary check
Ongoing tension can be a signal that something feels uncomfortable or unsafe. Check in with your boundaries. What needs to change to feel safe?

During bodywork, perhaps you want to keep more clothes on, or avoid touch on your feet, or turn off distracting music. Tracking and expressing your boundaries is an important part of healing. When boundaries are heard and respected, it becomes easier to relax.

Trusted environment
We associate relaxation with safety, trust, and comfort. We breathe a sigh of relief in environments where we feel fully welcome, accepted, and safe from attack.

Remember (or imagine) a time when you felt at ease. Notice your surroundings, and who else is there, if anyone. How does your body feel as you visualize this scene? You might notice warmth, pleasant heaviness in your limbs, a gentle smile, a deeper breath. If you dissociate to relax, you might notice numbness, blankness, or quickly get distracted.

Many people find it difficult to relax without alcohol or other numbing agents. Anxiety, hypervigilance, or chronic pain can make relaxation feel impossibly distant. Allowing relaxation is a skill that improves with practice.

Trusted self
Not only do we need a trustworthy environment to let down our guard, we need to trust ourselves as well. When we believe there is something wrong with us, we maintain control instead of relaxing. We do not need to try harder, accomplish more, or become better people to deserve relaxation.

Healing can appear to be a difficult, active process to become someone else. While learning new coping skills takes work, much of healing is letting go of all the “shoulds” and relaxing into who we already are.

Internal safe space
Our fierce battles to fix “bad” emotions, memories, and characteristics lock unwanted aspects in place. When we can make room for all aspects of ourselves during internal conflicts, we create a safe space that allows relaxation, movement and change.

We can begin the process with patient listening to the judgmental parts of us who are trying so hard to be “good.” Each part gets to be the way it is right now, including the parts that are frustrated with the way things are, until a shift arises organically.

Rest
Relaxation is more subtle than we expect. It has always been there underneath loud tension, quietly awaiting our welcome. Relaxation is surrender, not to someone else, but to our present truth. We release the intense striving to fix what was never broken, return to our first home, the body, after too long away, and rest.

Learn more
Inner Health Studio offers a variety of relaxing scripts and information, including tips for allowing relaxation.

Related Posts:

  • Safety in Your Bones
  • Enjoy Enthusiastic Consent
  • A Boundary-Nourishing Healer Search
  • Many Voices, All Valid

Let me know what you think!
Did this article spark a response in you? I'd love to hear about it! Send email to share your thoughts.

Subscribe!
Subscribe today to receive free monthly healing articles in your Inbox.

Buy the books!
Wellspring of Compassion and Presence After Trauma are available directly from me (US only) or from Powells.com or Amazon.

November 1, 2013 sonia

Reader Interactions

Listen to Defensiveness
Let Your Jaw Speak

Primary Sidebar

Work with me

Contact Sonia Connolly, LMT to schedule your appointment or free phone consultation in Portland, Oregon.
sonia@TraumaHealed.com
503-334-6434
My office is fragrance-free.

Quick Links

  • Signs of Trauma
  • Testimonials
  • Bodywork Services
  • Frequent Questions
  • Healing Resources
  • Subscribe!

Latest Articles

  • In Search of Self-Confidence
  • Get to Know Your Guts
  • Solid Support for Change

Buy the books

Wellspring of Compassion book cover Presence After Trauma book cover

Popular Articles

  • Repair Your Reality After Gaslighting
  • Let Your Jaw Speak
  • Step Away from Double Binds

Trauma Healing Topics

  • Acceptance
  • Body
  • Boundaries
  • Find Support
  • Hard Times, Abuse
  • Healing Tools
  • Relating
  • Self-Trust
  • Survival Tools
  • Trauma Effects, PTSD

Archives

  • Articles by Topic
  • Articles by Date

What I’m reading

Curious, Healing book review blog

Free Monthly Healing Articles

Please wait

Footer

People Say

K. Jain

So grateful for your work and your insights. They've made a tremendous difference for me in my life. I am so grateful for you. Continue Reading (click twice)

Read More Testimonials

You are welcome

Sundown Healing Arts is size-friendly, diversity-friendly, queer-friendly, and trans-friendly. Persons of any body size, skin color, sexual orientation, and gender are welcome.

  • Sundown Healing Arts
  • Bodywork
  • Articles
  • Resources
  • About
  • Contact

Sonia Connolly, LMT #12475    503-334-6434    2833 NE 8th Ave, Portland, Oregon 97212

Copyright © 2005-2019 Sonia Connolly