Relating

Many people think that the obvious answer to abusive relationships is to leave. We jump quickly to caustic victim-blaming of people who stay. “She must want it.” “He must be trying to work something out in his past.” “They lack the courage to make a change.” Patriarchal cultures are permeated by abuse. Every day, we… Read More

“When you yell at me, you’re abusive.” “Then obviously we need to break up.” Carmen knew it would do no good to explain that she yelled because he ignored her when she spoke calmly. Harrison had manipulated her into staying during past breakup attempts, but this time she’s sure. Her rule is, if someone feels… Read More

Carefully crafted apologies can open the door to healing, or, with different intent, open the door to continued abuse. Their power comes from phrasing, nonverbal signals, and the surrounding context of the interaction. We’re all learning Few of us learned about good apologies growing up. Instead of modeling genuine apology, many parents force children to… Read More

Many of us struggle with difficult relationships at home, at work, or in our communities. The Drama Triangle model can help clarify an interpersonal situation when: You find yourself thinking that there’s no right answer. People consistently misinterpret what you’re saying. It feels like your role is pre-scripted. There’s a lot of shame and blame…. Read More