Contempt is regarding something or someone as inferior, vile, or worthless. Reserve this potent weapon for extreme cases of causing harm for selfish ends. Contempt hurts Whether hidden or overt, contempt hurts. We are social beings who care about the approval of people around us. Contempt from anyone erodes our sense of worthiness. Contempt from… Read More
Relating
Intervene for a Better World
Be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle. —Ian MacLaren The dearest hope of many survivors is to fit in smoothly with society, to look and act “normal“. We want to interact with other people skillfully. We want to be liked. We want to be heard. We want to give and receive courtesy and… Read More
Careful Conflict
Children growing up in abusive families not only associate conflict with violence and abandonment, but also miss out on learning about healthy conflict. Resolving friction Healthy conflict is about resolving friction between different people’s needs and preferences. People in healthy conflict share goals to resolve a problem or repair a ruptured relationship. They may be… Read More
Support a Friend in Crisis
Many of us (especially if raised female) are socialized to only feel valuable when we are helping someone else. We might leap in to rescue a friend in distress, without regard to our own limits. We might get enmeshed in a helper role, always seeing the other person as someone who needs help. At the… Read More
Grow Away from Enmeshment
In an emotionally enmeshed relationship, there are two people, but only one point of view. All kinds of relationships can be enmeshed: parent and child, siblings, a romantic couple, close friends, coworkers, etc. Enmeshment is different from interdependence, where two people support and care about each other, but still maintain separate selves. Usually there is… Read More
The Right Distance from Family
Most parents have the deep instinct to protect small vulnerable beings, especially their own children. Some parents don’t. Some parents are too overwhelmed, unskilled, or caught up in their own point of view to notice when they are causing pain in someone else. Some parents enjoy causing pain. Many people say we “should” remain connected… Read More
Seek Nourishing Feedback
You want someone to take a look at an important letter before you send it out. Your kid left their shoes in the middle of the floor, again. Your boss makes little disparaging remarks about your Black coworker that she doesn’t make about others. We give and receive feedback constantly as we navigate our complex… Read More
The Sacred Work of Showing Up
Emotional labor is the detail work of caring, of noticing, of paying attention. It is overwhelmingly gendered female. People perceived as women are expected to “naturally” do the work of keeping track and tending and nurturing, and are judged harshly for refusing. People perceived as men have the choice to remain oblivious that the work… Read More
Patience with Long Endings
Amirah and Galen are arguing again. This time, Amirah announces that she intends to go to prayer meeting at the mosque whether Galen approves or not, and Galen is welcome to come along if she wants. As usual, Galen has a reason to stay behind, and tries to convince Amirah to stay as well. To… Read More
Enjoy Enthusiastic Consent
Anyone who makes an appointment for bodywork, arrives, and lies down on the table has given consent to be touched, right? Wrong! Clients are in a vulnerable position relative to the practitioner, lying down, possibly with some of their clothes off. Even with active encouragement to express preferences, it can be hard to speak up…. Read More