We instinctively approach a frightened animal with slow, gentle movements and a soft voice. We show that we mean no harm, and give the animal time to decide if and how to approach us. Traumatized humans need the same gentle approach. Illusion of urgency Trauma leaves behind an agitated nervous system and a body on… Read More
Articles
Reasons to Stay
Many people think that the obvious answer to abusive relationships is to leave. We jump quickly to caustic victim-blaming of people who stay. “She must want it.” “He must be trying to work something out in his past.” “They lack the courage to make a change.” Patriarchal cultures are permeated by abuse. Every day, we… Read More
Loving Anger
“When you yell at me, you’re abusive.” “Then obviously we need to break up.” Carmen knew it would do no good to explain that she yelled because he ignored her when she spoke calmly. Harrison had manipulated her into staying during past breakup attempts, but this time she’s sure. Her rule is, if someone feels… Read More
Navigate Change: Mind the Gap
When we step forward into an inviting future, we need to pay attention to the gap between our existing habits and our changed environment. If the change is unwanted or the future is uncertain, we have even more reasons to be mindful during the transition. Transitions are hard “Soon it will be time to put… Read More
Heritage of Resilience
Traumas often repeat across generations, sometimes despite our best efforts to take a different path. When we find ourselves repeating a pattern, we can acknowledge our frustration and treat ourselves with kindness. Resilience also repeats across generations as survivors teach their strengths through stories and behavior. Resilience is: Ability to recover from shock or injury…. Read More
Surrender Without Shame
Remembered feelings of helplessness, vulnerability, and submission can be some of the most painful parts of healing from abuse. We are taught to believe that defeat, failure, and weakness are causes for shame. Instead, perpetrating abuse is the shameful act. Surrender is a crucial survival tool. Like the physical freeze response, psychological surrender is our… Read More
How to Irritate Your Nervous System
Also see revised version, Protect Your Irritated Nervous System. Your nervous system interprets sensations and enables actions. It contains two parts: Central nervous system – brain and spinal cord Peripheral nervous system – branching network of nerves throughout the body Your nervous system constantly transmits electrical and biochemical signals back and forth between your brain… Read More
Discover Your Core Commitments
Our commitments are both privately entwined with our core values and publicly announced by our relationships and actions. The pledges we make to others and ourselves form a large part of our identity. Even though we think of commitments as fixed, all but the deepest commitments can change in response to changing circumstances. Commitments vary… Read More
Stuck in a Labyrinth
Being stuck can feel like being cornered with nowhere else to run, or struggling under a heavy weight, or sitting at the bottom of an empty well looking up at an impossibly distant light. What is your experience of being stuck? You are not alone Being stuck could be emotionally neutral. “I don’t know what… Read More
Change the Rules, Inhabit Your Pelvis
Do you inhabit your pelvis, or is it a numb absence at your center? Curious toddlers and maturing adolescents absorb their parents’ discomfort with the pelvic area. Sexual abuse survivors detour around painful memories stored there. Cultural rules encourage us to withdraw awareness from our pelvis except during sex, and maybe even then. The pelvis… Read More