Intentional gaslighting, the overtly abusive kind, can be more intense and severe, but everyday gaslighting is more insidious, permeating our social environment and sneaking inside our heads. “I’d like a late afternoon appointment.” The dentist’s receptionist responds, “How about 10am on Thursday.” “No, I’d like a late afternoon appointment.” “How about 1pm next Tuesday.” I… Read More
Self-Trust
Serenity Through Your Locus of Control
Serenity Prayer Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference. — Reinhold Niebuhr Locus of control is a psychological term for our beliefs about who controls the events in our lives. It can be internal (we have… Read More
Stand in Your Story
Josie wants to cut off contact with a family friend. He sexually assaulted her long ago. Even though he has behaved courteously since then, she has never felt comfortable around him. She wrestles with how to tell her partner and son, preemptively arguing with expected objections. Her partner is usually supportive, but their 15-year old… Read More
Heritage of Resilience
Traumas often repeat across generations, sometimes despite our best efforts to take a different path. When we find ourselves repeating a pattern, we can acknowledge our frustration and treat ourselves with kindness. Resilience also repeats across generations as survivors teach their strengths through stories and behavior. Resilience is: Ability to recover from shock or injury…. Read More
Discover Your Core Commitments
Our commitments are both privately entwined with our core values and publicly announced by our relationships and actions. The pledges we make to others and ourselves form a large part of our identity. Even though we think of commitments as fixed, all but the deepest commitments can change in response to changing circumstances. Commitments vary… Read More
Repair Your Reality After Gaslighting
In the movie Gaslight, Gregory sets out to convince his wife Paula that she is insane. He secretly removes items from their home and tells her she did it. He isolates her from others. He uses her growing distress to “prove” she is unstable. When she notices the gas lights in their home dim and… Read More
Permission to Stop Beating Yourself Up
Take a moment to notice your current experience. How do you feel? What thoughts are running through your mind? What sensations does your body report? Many of us jump directly to evaluation and problem-solving in response to our current experience. We may not be aware of other options, or we may believe constant self-improvement is… Read More
Connect with Your Complex Voice
Too many of us believe we can’t sing, or can’t sing well enough, or at least need to improve our voices in some way. Whether singing or speaking, we manipulate our voices to sound softer, stronger, clearer, calmer, or otherwise more “socially acceptable” than our unimpeded voices. In addition to controlling how we sound, we… Read More
Many Voices, All Valid
We all need validation. If everyone received the full acceptance and acknowledgment we require, I imagine the world would fill with an immense, sudden, satisfied stillness. While growing up, too many of us were surrounded by invalidation instead. When conflicts arose, we learned to argue, defend, and prove our point, or perhaps yield quickly to… Read More
Needs Amnesty Day
Have you noticed the gauntlet a need has to pass through before it can be internally acknowledged, much less spoken aloud? We often require our needs to be: Reasonably sized Age-appropriate Achievable Approved by “Them”, also known as the internal committee Bearable – some needs trigger old pain Consistent with other needs and beliefs Justified… Read More