Whether our pain is physical or emotional, chronic or acute, we encounter suspicion that we did something to deserve it or have not done enough to fix it, and if we just corrected our course the pain would disappear. Pain signals a problem Pain is the brain’s way of signaling a problem. The problem could… Read More
Acceptance
When I Started
Written for the anthology We Have Come Far: Shared wisdom from survivors of extreme trauma edited by Ani Rose Whaleswan, 2014. When I started healing from abuse, I was a grad student. After many years in school, I knew all about graduation requirements, prerequisites, and homework assignments. I tackled the project with youthful enthusiasm. Surely,… Read More
Worthy of Protection
When my friends entrust their two-month-old daughter to my arms, I feel instinctively, physically protective. My body wants to curl around her to keep her safe and well. I feel emotionally protective of people I mentor, wanting to metaphorically spread my arms wide and shield them from politics and ill-will. Feeling protective of them does… Read More
Take a Break from Healing
Have you thought about the finish line of your healing process? What would it take to declare yourself healed? What conscious and subconscious standards do you set for self-approval and time to rest in the present? Do you compare your insides to other people’s outsides? It is easy to believe that we have to keep… Read More
The Heartbreak of “Why?”
The question of “Why?” weaves over and under and through all the other reactions to trauma. Why did that happen? Why did it happen to me? Why didn’t anyone help? Why couldn’t I change it? “Why?” engages our spiritual beliefs about the world and our own worth. If we believe in a Higher Power, we… Read More
Integration: Live into Both/And
Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point… Read More
The Tyranny of Normal
When first remembering childhood abuse, many survivors mourn the loss of a “normal” past. Mainstream media sells us a vision of what our lives should be, and convinces us we are less-than if our lives are different. Even if we live in a home that embraces difference, we may feel shame when we venture outside…. Read More
Unhook from Projection
Beatrice’s reaction to hearing, “You’re controlling!” depends on her beliefs and assumptions. If she believes that controlling people are abusive and bad, she will react defensively, at least in the privacy of her mind. “I am not!” “No, you are!” “I don’t like you.” “If you think I’m controlling, there’s something wrong with me.” On… Read More
Achieve Approval
Trauma interrupts life’s narrative and bends its trajectory, challenging the illusion that our choices control every outcome. Mainstream society responds with victim-blaming, “You must have done something to cause it,” and continues with isolation and disapproval. “You don’t fit in well enough.” Instead of compassion, survivors receive subtle or overt messages about not measuring up,… Read More