Adults and their inner children get separated surprisingly often, sometimes through trauma, and sometimes simply through society’s expectations of adults. The separation can cause intractable distress until the underlying problem is resolved. “I’ve tried everything!” “Don’t leave me!” “See me!” If you find yourself saying any of these phrases on a regular basis, visit the… Read More
Articles
Compassion for the Drama Triangle
Many of us struggle with difficult relationships at home, at work, or in our communities. The Drama Triangle model can help clarify an interpersonal situation when: You find yourself thinking that there’s no right answer. People consistently misinterpret what you’re saying. It feels like your role is pre-scripted. There’s a lot of shame and blame…. Read More
Grieve Neglectful Mothering
Criticizing one’s mother is usually seen as both cliché and taboo. When someone does speak up, the responses often focus on analyzing or defending the mother, while neglecting the adult child’s feelings once again. This article looks at good-enough mothering, the effects of neglectful mothering, and the path to healing through learning to grieve. Wound… Read More
Haunted by Shame? Change Your Committee!
“How could I have said that?!” With a hot blush, clenched stomach, wish to disappear, or inner scolding, we all come to recognize our responses to feeling shame. Unlike guilt, which is a negative judgment about an action and is open to amends, shame is a negative judgment about the self and feels permanent. Shame… Read More
Invite Your Longing to Tea
When you feel longing for something, do you take immediate action? We often move reflexively either to fulfill a longing or to suppress it, rarely taking time to sit with the longing itself. Are you willing to connect to your feeling of longing? Not the subject, not the thing longed for, but the feeling itself…. Read More
Who Owns That Anger?
Anger is often labeled as a negative emotion, and many of us push it away or judge ourselves for not being “enlightened enough” when we feel angry. While anger can do damage when held in or unleashed on another, it can also lead to clarity and strength when handled with care. Between emotion and action… Read More
Gain Awareness of Dissociation
Like denial, dissociation protects us from overwhelming input. Where denial distances us from a thought or feeling, dissociation distances us from our own felt experience and body. Dissociation can be short-term, such as listening to headphones and spacing out during a dental appointment, or long-term, such as feeling floaty and disjointed for months after a… Read More
Sensitivities: Your Self-Care Guide
My friend Dinh raises many varieties of small, colorful killifish. He carefully adjusts the conditions in each aquarium to meet the needs of its inhabitants, and provides the food each fish likes best. After years of observing and learning about killifish, he can identify a fish’s species, age, and general health at a glance. At… Read More
Behind the Curtain of Obsessive Thoughts
Whether we’re struggling with our bodies, our relationships, our addictions, or some other intractable problem, many of us find our thoughts covering the same painful ground again and again. We’re not gaining new insights, and we can’t seem to stop the cycle. The thoughts themselves become a topic of worry and self-judgment. Peeking behind the… Read More
Tell a Story about Denial
Denial, the refusal to acknowledge a painful fact, thought, or feeling, has a bad reputation these days. Being “in denial” is thought to be contrary, regressive, and the opposite of healing. We are urged to confront the truth, lose our illusions, and stop running away, all in the name of getting healthier. Denial is protective… Read More