Black and white thinking is a hallmark of being in survival mode. When our nervous system is on high alert, we scan our environment for threats and for help, quickly classifying everything we see. Either something is all bad, or all good. Each person is abusive, or safe.
Over time, we learn about shades of gray. Individual behaviors can be classified as abusive or safe, but few people are always abusive or always safe. Someone can be bad for us, and still not be a bad person.
Autism as a color wheel
As Archie shows in Rebecca Burgess’ comic Understanding the Spectrum, the autistic spectrum is not a line shading from less autistic to more autistic. It is more like a color wheel, with varying areas of difficulty or difference for each person, such as language, motor skills, executive function, sensory differences, and more. Archie explains, “I am good at making conversation (language). But I get sensory overload in loud and crowded spaces, which then makes conversation very hard for me.”
Beyond shades of gray
Similarly, we can move beyond shades of gray to seeing people in full color. Everyone, neurodivergent or not, has skillful and unskillful aspects. We all make mistakes, get tired, behave badly when triggered, and unconsciously act out at times.
We can adjust our expectations and let people know when their unskilled actions cause us pain. We can compensate as best we can, for example not expecting someone to be on time if they struggle with executive function.
Distance when needed
When someone’s behavior causes us too much trouble, we can distance ourselves without labeling them. If their behaviors and our inner responses remind us of narcissism or other abusive patterns, we can acknowledge that and, from a safe distance, also see them as a whole human being with strengths as well as weaknesses.
Rainbow vision
With a calmer nervous system, we can see everyone around us with this kinder rainbow vision. We can bring this kindness to ourselves, recognizing that we too have strengths and weaknesses, and are doing our best to navigate a complex world.
Learn more
- Understanding the Spectrum, an explanatory comic by Rebecca Burgess
- Eye Color Wheel image by Ascaaear, used under Creative Commons license.
Copyright Sonia Connolly. Ask for permission to repost more than a paragraph. Always attribute quotes with the author's name and a link.
All content was written by an actual human.
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