Hard Times, Abuse

We are born needing physical and emotional contact to thrive. In addition to food and shelter, we need soothing touch and attuned mirroring to develop an emotionally stable self. We learn to trust our place in the world when we are welcomed with delight. If the adults around us do not provide soothing touch and… Read More

Society tells us in a lot of subtle and overt ways not to talk about abuse. It is uncomfortable to hear. There is no easy response. It challenges the dominant narrative that abuse only happens far away, to “them”, not “us.” Need to be heard At the same time, there is internal pressure to talk… Read More

Three-year-old Malaika walks determinedly through the crowd. “Daddy? Daddy? Daddy?” One of her dads spots her and scoops her up with great relief. Safe in his arms, she wails her distress at losing sight of them. He holds her close until she calms and wriggles to be put down. She runs around happily, secure in… Read More

Shantel examined the smartphone cases, debating which one to buy. A salesperson approached her. “Ma’am, I need to inspect your bag.” “That’s racist! You’re not inspecting white customers’ bags!” “They aren’t mouthing off! Leave the store or I’ll call security.” Tool for oppression The salesperson used the Tone Argument to shift attention from his racist… Read More

Bullying is repeated, aggressive acts in the context of a power imbalance. When we can name bullying, interrupt it, and hold perpetrators responsible for their behaviors, we can reduce pain and create a kinder environment for everyone. Repeated If we can stop a source of pain without other losses, the problem stops. A single hurtful… Read More

Monique deflected the young white woman’s hand away from her afro and rolled her eyes. She was here to enjoy the party with her friends, not be treated like an exotic object. Just yesterday she stood uncomfortably still while her older white male coworker patted her head in passing. Have you had the experience of… Read More

Remembered feelings of helplessness, vulnerability, and submission can be some of the most painful parts of healing from abuse. We are taught to believe that defeat, failure, and weakness are causes for shame. Instead, perpetrating abuse is the shameful act. Surrender is a crucial survival tool. Like the physical freeze response, psychological surrender is our… Read More

Being stuck can feel like being cornered with nowhere else to run, or struggling under a heavy weight, or sitting at the bottom of an empty well looking up at an impossibly distant light. What is your experience of being stuck? You are not alone Being stuck could be emotionally neutral. “I don’t know what… Read More