Relating

Like a heavy shield, defensiveness has its uses, and can also get in our way. Defensiveness can protect emotional wounds left by trauma and abuse. At the same time, it blocks out the rest of the world. In conversations, defensiveness prevents connection and communication. While we quickly notice defensiveness in others, we are slower to… Read More

Everyone is sensitive to physical and emotional toxins at some level. Some people start out nearly impervious, while others are sensitive to microscopic amounts. When body and spirit are subjected to repeated or extreme trauma, we lose the ability to absorb further insults. The nervous system becomes reactive to smaller amounts of toxins, and interprets… Read More

Many people think that the obvious answer to abusive relationships is to leave. We jump quickly to caustic victim-blaming of people who stay. “She must want it.” “He must be trying to work something out in his past.” “They lack the courage to make a change.” Patriarchal cultures are permeated by abuse. Every day, we… Read More

“When you yell at me, you’re abusive.” “Then obviously we need to break up.” Carmen knew it would do no good to explain that she yelled because he ignored her when she spoke calmly. Harrison had manipulated her into staying during past breakup attempts, but this time she’s sure. Her rule is, if someone feels… Read More

Carefully crafted apologies can open the door to healing, or, with different intent, open the door to continued abuse. Their power comes from phrasing, nonverbal signals, and the surrounding context of the interaction. We’re all learning Few of us learned about good apologies growing up. Instead of modeling genuine apology, many parents force children to… Read More

Many of us struggle with difficult relationships at home, at work, or in our communities. The Drama Triangle model can help clarify an interpersonal situation when: You find yourself thinking that there’s no right answer. People consistently misinterpret what you’re saying. It feels like your role is pre-scripted. There’s a lot of shame and blame…. Read More