Small children shriek happily, or ask embarrassing questions in their carrying voices, effortlessly far louder than the adults around them would prefer. Adults plead with them to use their inside voices. Gradually children learn a quieter register. Sound is created by movement. We can be quieter by using less effort to create less motion, or… Read More
Articles
In Search of Self-Confidence
Self-confidence is not just about trusting our ability to accomplish tasks. When we lack self-confidence, we doubt that we deserve love, success, comfort, joy, happiness. At our core, we doubt that we deserve to exist. Kind attention When children receive kind, caring, responsive attention, it reinforces that they are intrinsically valuable and worthy of taking… Read More
Get to Know Your Guts
Our belly could be a source of warmth, inner connection, and flow. Our gut feelings could help guide us on when to move forward and when to back away. All too often, trauma disconnects us from our inner core. Our belly tightens against pain, fear, and misery rather than relaxing into pleasure and comfort. For… Read More
Solid Support for Change
A lot of narratives about healing focus on change. We take on goals to change how we handle the past and the present, change our circumstances, identify what is broken and fix it. Many of us believe that we are fundamentally not good enough, and if we yell at ourselves a lot, we might eventually… Read More
The Push/Pull of Touch
Infants expect and require abundant joyful, loving touch. They continue to need the physical presence, warmth, heartbeat, and nervous system activity that surrounded them in the womb. When that drive to be held, rocked, soothed and comforted is met with enough touch and care, the child develops secure attachment. Insecure attachment If adults respond intermittently,… Read More
Good Enough for Mistakes
How do you respond when you make a mistake? Do you take it in stride? Crumple in shame? Panic? What we count as a mistake and how we respond depends on our current resources as well as how mistakes were treated as we grew up. Inexperience Children naturally make a lot of mistakes. As we… Read More
Consider Additional Truths
Ideally, as we grow up we learn to balance consideration for others with consideration for ourselves. We see the adults around us treating others and themselves with care. We experience being treated with care. We are directly taught to lift our attention from our immediate concerns to include the concerns of the people around us…. Read More
Celebrate Small Steps
Acute trauma forces sudden, overwhelming, drastic change on the body. It is natural to expect that some equally drastic treatment can undo the change and restore health. Chronic trauma can be an accumulation of sudden blows, or a long-term lack of essential nurturing and care. Unlike trauma, healing is slow, gentle, and incremental. Healing from… Read More
Intervene for a Better World
Be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle. —Ian MacLaren The dearest hope of many survivors is to fit in smoothly with society, to look and act “normal“. We want to interact with other people skillfully. We want to be liked. We want to be heard. We want to give and receive courtesy and… Read More
Careful Conflict
Children growing up in abusive families not only associate conflict with violence and abandonment, but also miss out on learning about healthy conflict. Resolving friction Healthy conflict is about resolving friction between different people’s needs and preferences. People in healthy conflict share goals to resolve a problem or repair a ruptured relationship. They may be… Read More