Choose Your Traditions

The winter holidays can be a difficult time for trauma survivors, whether the trauma was a divorce, car accident, or childhood abuse. In the US, on top of the stresses of winter weather, short days, and taking time for holiday preparations, there is an added pressure and expectation to be happy. “Merry Christmas!” everyone says, without wondering whether the recipient is merry, or even Christian. “Have a Happy Thanksgiving,” can be a hard sentence to hear if there’s no feast planned.

The following steps can help ease some of the pressure around the holidays. They can be done all at once when you have an uninterrupted block of time to yourself, or they can be done in bits and pieces as you go about your day, whenever you have time to think.

Notice your expectations
Most of us have an internal script for how a holiday “should” go, acquired from our childhood experiences, stories we’ve heard, and advertising. It can help to make this script more explicit. Choose a holiday, and imagine the picture-perfect celebration.
Who is there with you?
What are those relationships like?
What food does everyone eat?
What is given?
What is received?
What are the sounds and sights and smells?
How do you feel during and after the celebration?
What else is important about the event?
Take notes or write a story or draw a picture of how the holiday should be.

Honor your feelings
When you have some time and privacy, sit with your script and notice what feelings come up. Perhaps you have some judgments about your expectations. Just notice that. If your holidays are likely to be very different from what you imagined, you might feel longing, grief, and anger. Allow the feelings to flow, and write or speak any words that come. Maybe your reality is closer to your ideal than you thought, and you feel some surprise and gratitude. Whatever mix of feelings arises, let them all move through you.

Notice your desires
While you were sitting with your feelings, did you notice any aspects of the picture-perfect celebration that didn’t sound so appealing? Allow yourself to daydream about a holiday celebration that would be more comfortable and delightful for you. You can make small changes to your script, or start from scratch and imagine something completely different. Again, fill in the details.
Who is there with you?
What are those relationships like?
What food does everyone eat?
What is given?
What is received?
What are the sounds and sights and smells?
How do you feel during and after the celebration?
What else is important about the event?
Take notes or write a story or draw a picture of your ideal holiday.

Open the door to action
As you paid attention to your expectations, feelings, and desires, did any possible actions come to mind? Often, tuning in to that ongoing internal mutter of expectations and judgments can ease conflict and open the door to movement toward what we want. Notice any parts of your ideal holiday that you can bring to life this year, and give yourself permission to take action.

• Do you always spend the holidays with your contentious extended family, when you really want peace and quiet in front of your own fireplace? Maybe you can shorten the family time to make room for some peaceful time for yourself, or at least take a long walk on your own.
• Do you spend the holidays alone and you really want some company? Maybe you can find a community event or “Orphans’ Thanksgiving” to join, or you can find a friend who also wants company, or share time on the phone with someone. Homeless shelters and food banks always appreciate holiday volunteers.
• Do you miss a dish your grandmother always baked? Maybe you can research the recipe through your family, or online, and make it for yourself.
• Do you crave rest? Notice how it feels to imagine saying “No” to some of the tasks you associate with the holidays, and see if there’s anything you can delegate or eliminate from your to-do list.
• Are religious services part of your ideal holidays? Some religious communities offer special holiday services for people who are grieving or troubled, such as “Blue Christmas” or “Longest Night” services.
• Did you experience twisted religious services as part of ritual abuse? Reach out for support and make self-care the highest priority during this triggering time of year. There will come a year when you can observe the triggers without being overwhelmed by them, separating the present from the past.

Listen lovingly to your heart
As much as you can, be gentle with yourself through the winter holidays. Create some space to feel however you feel, and honor your own desires, however big or small they are, however possible or impossible they seem. Give yourself open permission to wish, and want, and daydream. Listen to your heart as you would to a small, trusting child.

Learn more
I Know I’m in There Somewhere: A Woman’s Guide to Finding Her Inner Voice and Living a Life of Authenticity by Helene G Brunner is a good resource for learning to acknowledge what you feel and what you want.