Mei Lin, who hates having her hands touched, tensed as the massage therapist worked down her arm. She wanted to ask the massage therapist to stop, but her throat closed around the words. She wanted to pull away, but could not move. She struggled silently with her discomfort until the massage therapist moved on to… Read More
Articles
Many Voices, All Valid
We all need validation. If everyone received the full acceptance and acknowledgment we require, I imagine the world would fill with an immense, sudden, satisfied stillness. While growing up, too many of us were surrounded by invalidation instead. When conflicts arose, we learned to argue, defend, and prove our point, or perhaps yield quickly to… Read More
Create: Walk into Fog
Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. — W.H. Murray (often misattributed to Goethe) A common saying in twelve-step groups is “Don’t compare your insides to someone else’s outsides.” Similarly, don’t compare your creative work-in-progress to someone else’s completed work. A thousand invisible decisions… Read More
Deepen Your Roots, Stretch Your Branches
The metaphor of healing as a journey permeates our language. “One step at a time.” “Find your path.” “I’ll get there someday.” The assumptions hidden in this metaphor invite painful comparisons and judgments, including: We want to travel from unsatisfactory Here to much improved There. Progress is visible and directed. Moving more slowly makes the… Read More
“Trust Me!” and Other Red Flags
Ahmed hesitated. Since the car crash a year ago, he feels nervous as a passenger. “Last time I caught a ride with you, you didn’t slow down when I asked.” His friend Ethan responded, “Trust me! You worry too much. Let’s go, we’ll be late.” Ahmed recognized several red flags for manipulation in addition to… Read More
Step Away from Double Binds
Double binds are used to display power and gain control over others. They occur in daily life and also in extreme abuse. Victims often feel confusion, rage, and despair at their entrapment and apparent lack of options. You can effectively counter double binds by taking a step back and releasing your feelings, fully describing the… Read More
Remember at Your Own Pace
When she was small, Yael’s grandfather taught her to play the piano. After each lesson, he would caress her in uncomfortable ways and swear her to secrecy. When her family moved away, Yael left behind both her memory of being molested and her love of making music. In her thirties, feeling aimless and depressed, she… Read More
100 Percent On Your Own Side
My Inner Nurturer knows I always deserve respect and love. She helps me trust my perceptions rather than taking a vote from the people around me. She replaces “should” with “could” every time I hear it. She is deeply, unhesitatingly compassionate about my pain. My Inner Critic has a lot to say on the subject… Read More
Demand Respect, Not Victim-Blaming
When I told people I had just broken up with my abusive girlfriend, several people responded, “Have you looked at your part?” Since I had been tormenting myself for months doing nothing else, the question left me speechless. More appropriate responses to the news would have been, “How are you feeling?” or “I’m so sorry… Read More
Claim Your Space, Breathe into Your Back
Take a moment to notice your breathing. What parts of your body move with your breath? Did your breathing shift as you observed it? Notice any judgments about your own breathing. Your personal cathedral Shallow chest breathing takes up as little space as possible. Deeper belly breathing pushes out into the world. Back breathing claims… Read More